I feel like last year was a set-back for me. Honestly, at the beginning of the year I was flying high! I was back from the mission field, getting settled into our first real house, doing a pretty good job homeschooling, and ABOVE ALL, I was finally back into daily devotions. Then it all came crashing down on me when I had the miscarriage.
It was as if my spiritual walk grew completly numb. I still believed in God - I've known Him for too many years to turn away from Him. But I lost faith - mostly in myself. I couldn't understand why something so bad would happen when I had been doing everything so right. I had concisouly been trying to be a good mom, good wife, good Christan, good church-member. And at the top of my "goodness", it all fell apart.
I actually wanted to be depressed, but I knew I couldn't for the sake of my kids and my wonderful husband.
I didn't really talk to God for a LONG time... except for my tiny little cracked open door every night when Dan and I would say our "bedtime prayers" together.
Why is it that you must eventually say "I will never understand, but I have to move on..."?
So I'm moving on.
I can't give up on following Jesus wholeheartedly. I guess I feel like I have no other options. Even when it is hard and doesn't make any sense... where else could I turn? I think I understand what the disciples meant when they were saying to Jesus - "Leave you? Where would we go? You have to words of LIFE!"
Here's what it says in The Message: John Chapter 6
60 Many among his disciples heard this and said, "This is tough teaching, too tough to swallow." 61 Jesus sensed that his disciples were having a hard time with this and said, "Does this throw you completely? 62 What would happen if you saw the Son of Man ascending to where he came from? 63 The Spirit can make life. Sheer muscle and willpower don't make anything happen. Every word I've spoken to you is a Spirit-word, and so it is life-making. 64 But some of you are resisting, refusing to have any part in this." (Jesus knew from the start that some weren't going to risk themselves with him. He knew also who would betray him.) 65 He went on to say, "This is why I told you earlier that no one is capable of coming to me on his own. You get to me only as a gift from the Father." 66 After this a lot of his disciples left. They no longer wanted to be associated with him. 67 Then Jesus gave the Twelve their chance: "Do you also want to leave?" 68 Peter replied, "Master, to whom would we go? You have the words of real life, eternal life. 69 We've already committed ourselves, confident that you are the Holy One of God."
Following Jesus isn't always easy... especially in this fallen world where life just doesn't make sense. But following Jesus is all I really know to do now. I couldn't turn my back on Him. I couldn't walk away. I'm ruined for anything else.
One step in front of the other. I keep going... letting my faith be strengthened day by day.
