Things that mean I'm an okay mom:
I painted pictures with the kids
I made fresh bread for them (okay, I used the breadmaker)
I did a load of laundry
I helped Ethan practice piano and took him to his lesson
I breastfed my 1 1/2 year old (I haven't weaned her yet mostly because I know it is so good for her)
I made lunch for my family
I helped all 3 "big" kids with a little bit of schoolwork
Why do I feel so badly about myself? I struggle constantly with wanting to get more done, and do more and be better... I feel like I'm lacking in so many ways. I don't want anyone to read my blog anymore or they'll think I'm a depressed person. Dan tells me all the time that I'm the best Mommy he knows out of all our friends (so kind of him to say!) but I feel like I lack in so many areas.
On Saturday and Sunday I started to get scared a little about this baby, that something might be wrong because I wasn't really feeling much movement. The thing is, it's still pretty early, so it's not like I should have been feeling a lot of regular movement yet. But I started to get scared again. I HATE that fear. Like I have no control over the situation, yet it is so close to me that I should be able to do something!!!! Finally, on Sunday, I realized that what I needed to recognise is that this is Gods baby all the way. I have to surrender this baby to God, doing my best, but ultimately this baby belongs to Him. And I guess that's the way it is with my other kids too. They belong to God. I should do what I can, but they belong to Him, and I have to trust Him with my kids' lives and hearts.
I'm trying, I'm trying. I just long to be better. And I don't think that is totally wrong - as long as I'm not grovelling in the dirt, beating myself up in self-pity. I have to take my eyes off myself. See, I'm preaching to myself now. I can do this right... just have to look to God a whole lot more!!!!
By the way, I had an ultrasound on Monday and baby is completely healthy and perfect the way he/she should be. Yay!
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Happy Heart
Okay, I've been looking back on my blogs and I feel like I've been so NEGATIVE! Egad! It's not that I spend all my time depressed... I guess this has just been a place to really sort out my feelings.
I am very happy and thankful for healthy, beautiful kids. Sure I worry about them sometimes, and wonder if I'm doing things right or doing enough, but I really should trust God to take care of them. And I do.
I'm happy and thankful for a GREAT marriage. We have our growing pains, but we are growing - closer and more in love all the time. We don't fight and we don't disagree on where we should be going in life. It is wonderful to have that kind of harmony.
There... I feel a little better. As they say in Veggietales "A thankful heart is a happy heart". It's okay for me to be working through things with God, but I want to make sure I'm not always in a dark hole when I post. Sometimes I need to fix my thoughts on the good things!
I am very happy and thankful for healthy, beautiful kids. Sure I worry about them sometimes, and wonder if I'm doing things right or doing enough, but I really should trust God to take care of them. And I do.
I'm happy and thankful for a GREAT marriage. We have our growing pains, but we are growing - closer and more in love all the time. We don't fight and we don't disagree on where we should be going in life. It is wonderful to have that kind of harmony.
There... I feel a little better. As they say in Veggietales "A thankful heart is a happy heart". It's okay for me to be working through things with God, but I want to make sure I'm not always in a dark hole when I post. Sometimes I need to fix my thoughts on the good things!
Monday, August 27, 2007
Wretched man that I am!
Romans Chapter 7:
15 I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.
24 Wretched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?
Oh God, this is me.... I feel like I've been a slave to sin. No, not in the big things - I'm not an adulterer, I'm not killing or stealing or anything like that. But what does it really matter if I am not really alive in Christ if I continually live and act in a way that is not free from the law of sin and death?
I am continually frustrated with my level of spirituality on a day-to-day basis. I know to do right, and I don't do it. I know that I need God, but I don't seek Him. I know I need His strength, but I don't inquire of the Holy Spirit to enliven me with His power.
I can't stay here. I can't live in this place or I will die.
Romans 8:
6 To set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace
Time and time again, I feel like I'm kicking myself in the butt, telling myself "Lisa, stop being stupid... you've got to change!" I feel like I'm wasting so much time.
What does it take, how do I focus on things of the spirit and not the things of the flesh? I always have my excuses, it seems; I'm tired...I'm sick...I've got 4 kids...we just moved....going on vacation....
It's all crap to be honest. Life will never be empty enough for me to FINALLY live the right life for God.
Is this okay God? Can I repent and give it a try again? I feel like I've asked this a million times already, but I guess it's better for me to keep trying than to give up. It's that thought alone that confirms to me that I do have something with God... I have been close enough with Him in the past, and there's still enough of a tie now that I keep getting drawn back - I can't run away completely.
I'm trying again....
15 I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.
24 Wretched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?
Oh God, this is me.... I feel like I've been a slave to sin. No, not in the big things - I'm not an adulterer, I'm not killing or stealing or anything like that. But what does it really matter if I am not really alive in Christ if I continually live and act in a way that is not free from the law of sin and death?
I am continually frustrated with my level of spirituality on a day-to-day basis. I know to do right, and I don't do it. I know that I need God, but I don't seek Him. I know I need His strength, but I don't inquire of the Holy Spirit to enliven me with His power.
I can't stay here. I can't live in this place or I will die.
Romans 8:
6 To set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace
Time and time again, I feel like I'm kicking myself in the butt, telling myself "Lisa, stop being stupid... you've got to change!" I feel like I'm wasting so much time.
What does it take, how do I focus on things of the spirit and not the things of the flesh? I always have my excuses, it seems; I'm tired...I'm sick...I've got 4 kids...we just moved....going on vacation....
It's all crap to be honest. Life will never be empty enough for me to FINALLY live the right life for God.
Is this okay God? Can I repent and give it a try again? I feel like I've asked this a million times already, but I guess it's better for me to keep trying than to give up. It's that thought alone that confirms to me that I do have something with God... I have been close enough with Him in the past, and there's still enough of a tie now that I keep getting drawn back - I can't run away completely.
I'm trying again....
Friday, July 13, 2007
Morning prayer
Good morning, God!
I love the beautiful new day you've created for me. I love how warm it is, how the sun is teasing the plants in my garden and they are reaching as high as they can and growing all sorts of lovely things to eat.
Thank you for my sweet husband who is sensitive and caring - and let me sleep in, then wakes me with a delicious latte!
Help me to remain thankful and grateful all day.
Help me to learn that "in everything, give thanks".
You are my delight, my source of joy and you fill my life with all good things.
I love the beautiful new day you've created for me. I love how warm it is, how the sun is teasing the plants in my garden and they are reaching as high as they can and growing all sorts of lovely things to eat.
Thank you for my sweet husband who is sensitive and caring - and let me sleep in, then wakes me with a delicious latte!
Help me to remain thankful and grateful all day.
Help me to learn that "in everything, give thanks".
You are my delight, my source of joy and you fill my life with all good things.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Random thoughts about grass and vanity....
I can't believe how the time passes so quickly. If I blink, I will miss something huge, something important. Am I cherishing every moment?
Life is like laundry... you can never catch up, there is always another load to wash; there is always that basket of socks that need to be matched, and you just have to keep going.
Isaiah 40:
3 A voice of one calling: "In the desert prepare the way for the Lord; make straight in the wilderness a highway for our God. 4 Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain. 5 And the glory of the Lord will be revealed, and all mankind together will see it. For the mouth of the Lord has spoken." 6 A voice says, "Cry out." And I said, "What shall I cry?" "All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field. 7 The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the Lord blows on them. Surely the people are grass. 8 The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever."
All I can do and become is nothing compared to the glory of the Lord. Some days I feel a lot more grassy than others... like all that I've done in functioning day after day, is just grass that will fade and get cut with the lawnmower, bagged and taken to the dump. Only those things that I do for the Lord, of eternal value, are the things that will remain, my treasure to be stored up in heaven.
Ecclesiastes 2:
11 Then I looked on all the works that my hands had done And on the labor in which I had toiled; And indeed all was vanity and grasping for the wind. There was no profit under the sun.
All this can seem a little bit depressing. But I press toward the prize, the high calling... How does it go?
Philippians 3:
8 Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ
9 and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; 10 that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, 11 if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. 12 Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. 13 Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, 14 I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
15 Therefore let us, as many as are mature, have this mind; and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal even this to you.
I feel my spirit uplifted in this. Yep. That's what it is all about. I become more like Christ, I become hidden in Him. I lose myself in the pursuit of God and my life become far more meaningful, completely complete.
For now I'll let my toes be ticked in the cool, green grass. And I'll look up to the Son, the One whom I long to be closer to. My source, my inspiration, my joy. Mow on, heavenly lawnmower... prune me, take away the chaff, the vanity and empty parts of my life that lack meaning.
I'm so grateful that He loves me. I'm so glad that He thinks I'm worth it. I sure hope to make Him proud.
Life is like laundry... you can never catch up, there is always another load to wash; there is always that basket of socks that need to be matched, and you just have to keep going.
Isaiah 40:
3 A voice of one calling: "In the desert prepare the way for the Lord; make straight in the wilderness a highway for our God. 4 Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain. 5 And the glory of the Lord will be revealed, and all mankind together will see it. For the mouth of the Lord has spoken." 6 A voice says, "Cry out." And I said, "What shall I cry?" "All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field. 7 The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the Lord blows on them. Surely the people are grass. 8 The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever."
All I can do and become is nothing compared to the glory of the Lord. Some days I feel a lot more grassy than others... like all that I've done in functioning day after day, is just grass that will fade and get cut with the lawnmower, bagged and taken to the dump. Only those things that I do for the Lord, of eternal value, are the things that will remain, my treasure to be stored up in heaven.
Ecclesiastes 2:
11 Then I looked on all the works that my hands had done And on the labor in which I had toiled; And indeed all was vanity and grasping for the wind. There was no profit under the sun.
All this can seem a little bit depressing. But I press toward the prize, the high calling... How does it go?
Philippians 3:
8 Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ
9 and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; 10 that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, 11 if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. 12 Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. 13 Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, 14 I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
15 Therefore let us, as many as are mature, have this mind; and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal even this to you.
I feel my spirit uplifted in this. Yep. That's what it is all about. I become more like Christ, I become hidden in Him. I lose myself in the pursuit of God and my life become far more meaningful, completely complete.
For now I'll let my toes be ticked in the cool, green grass. And I'll look up to the Son, the One whom I long to be closer to. My source, my inspiration, my joy. Mow on, heavenly lawnmower... prune me, take away the chaff, the vanity and empty parts of my life that lack meaning.
I'm so grateful that He loves me. I'm so glad that He thinks I'm worth it. I sure hope to make Him proud.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
A life of Holiness
"without holiness, no one will see the Lord"
"be holy for I am holy"
"blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God"
On Sunday morning, our pastor spoke a provoking message about holiness. How can we say that we are truly following God, if our lives are not bearing the fruit they should be? Does my life look like that of a true believer?
The word "disciple" means "disciplined one" - it's not just some catch phrase that says you go to church or believe in Jesus. It means so much more.
This message about holiness struck a chord in me. I was not condemned, rather I was truly convicted in my heart with desire to pursue a greater level of relationship with my holy Father. It is remarkable He hasn't blasted this world to smithereens considering how "un-holy" people are these days. And I KNOW the heart of God must be seriously grieved with the state of the church. We "play" church. We've made it such a game and don't even realize it. Church going is just a lifestyle choice, like eating organically, or being a musician or a fitness guru. But a relationship with God should pierce the very inside of our being, causing a reaction of awe and fear and desire to please Him more than anything!
I'm finding myself wanting to be holy in a practical way. This doesn't mean I'm some monk or nun, secluding myself from others and meditating on scripture day and night - sure that could be good... but... my life has to touch reality. I'm a mother, a wife, a friend, a co-worker. So I'm looking at how to be more holy in this. How can I live a life pleasing to God in these areas of my life? It may mean spending some time reading to my children, or blessing them by making cookies. I know it means that I should live a modest life, being an example to my daughters in purity and word and deed. I need to give myself unselfishly to my husband, pouring my life out for him - I know this is pleasing to the Lord as well.
I will keep pondering this for a while. I know I want so much more of God in my life. I know I want to change. I want to become far more disciplined. I want my life to count, but more so, I want my life to be a pleasing offering to God.
"be holy for I am holy"
"blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God"
On Sunday morning, our pastor spoke a provoking message about holiness. How can we say that we are truly following God, if our lives are not bearing the fruit they should be? Does my life look like that of a true believer?
The word "disciple" means "disciplined one" - it's not just some catch phrase that says you go to church or believe in Jesus. It means so much more.
This message about holiness struck a chord in me. I was not condemned, rather I was truly convicted in my heart with desire to pursue a greater level of relationship with my holy Father. It is remarkable He hasn't blasted this world to smithereens considering how "un-holy" people are these days. And I KNOW the heart of God must be seriously grieved with the state of the church. We "play" church. We've made it such a game and don't even realize it. Church going is just a lifestyle choice, like eating organically, or being a musician or a fitness guru. But a relationship with God should pierce the very inside of our being, causing a reaction of awe and fear and desire to please Him more than anything!
I'm finding myself wanting to be holy in a practical way. This doesn't mean I'm some monk or nun, secluding myself from others and meditating on scripture day and night - sure that could be good... but... my life has to touch reality. I'm a mother, a wife, a friend, a co-worker. So I'm looking at how to be more holy in this. How can I live a life pleasing to God in these areas of my life? It may mean spending some time reading to my children, or blessing them by making cookies. I know it means that I should live a modest life, being an example to my daughters in purity and word and deed. I need to give myself unselfishly to my husband, pouring my life out for him - I know this is pleasing to the Lord as well.
I will keep pondering this for a while. I know I want so much more of God in my life. I know I want to change. I want to become far more disciplined. I want my life to count, but more so, I want my life to be a pleasing offering to God.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Where is the love?
I really feel like I've been floundering in this thing called parenthood. There just seems to be so many blatant failures lately that are mocking me, jumping up into my face and saying "see... YOU can't do it!"
Yesterday, I sneaked out to the garage under the guise of cleaning and organizing it. Sometimes it's really hard to get some quiet and alone time with 4 young kids, so if it means I have to subject myself to some hard work to be alone, I'll do it.
I prayed for a while in the dark interior, squatting on the cold cement floor as I sorted through random boxes of stuff the previous owner of our house left behind. I just really need some answers! I feel like I'm not doing great homeschooling because my firstborn is supposed to be going into grade 3, but it seems like she's at more of a grade 1-2 level in her reading and writing skills. I am frustrated with the lying and stealing we've had to deal with (are we bad parents?). I feel like my house is never clean. I also feel like I spend way more time managing my children - ie. "do this, do that"; "don't touch"; "I said 'no' "; and I want to spend more time enjoying them and loving them and connecting with them.
As cheesy as it may be, something popped into my head that probably has been done before by another parent somewhere, but here goes:
If I teach my children right from wrong, and tell them to mind their manners, and respect their elders, but have not love, I am nothing but a clanging gong or cymbal.
If I homeschool with all the best curriculum, have my children trained to do all their chores, and pick up after themselves, but have not love, I'm no better than a yowling cat at 3 am.
If I feed my children organically, plant a garden with them and dress them in designer clothes, but have not love.... I've missed the point entirely.
Later, I felt the Holy Spirit pop another idea into my head while I roamed the aisles of the library, searching for books to inspire my begrudging little reader. Why can't I celebrate my daughter for who she is, and the accomplishments as they come to her, rather than measuring each step in accordance to what she "should" be doing. If I am continually thinking that she is not doing good enough, not at the level she should be, not like my friend's kids, etc, then I am continually going to look down on her in my mind and not give her the encouragement she needs. Ideally, I should be excited with each step, and encourage her just for who she is. I want to be excited with her for reading the word "school" even though I wish she was reading the word "physiologist".
I find it ironic that God has made my firstborn in a way that I find so difficult to understand, that relating to her is a challenge... But it is all in His plan. He didn't intend for me to find parenting a breeze, He planned for me to need His help all along the way.
So I'm really finding myself on a quest to love my kids just the way they are. I don't need to do much else with them - none of that matters if they don't feel incredibly loved. I want them to grow up and look back on their childhood and have them say "Hmmm... maybe the house wasn't perfectly clean all the time... but Mom sure loved us. She was always hugging us and spending time with us!"
That's all I need for a legacy. That's all I need to pass on to the next generation.
Love.
Yesterday, I sneaked out to the garage under the guise of cleaning and organizing it. Sometimes it's really hard to get some quiet and alone time with 4 young kids, so if it means I have to subject myself to some hard work to be alone, I'll do it.
I prayed for a while in the dark interior, squatting on the cold cement floor as I sorted through random boxes of stuff the previous owner of our house left behind. I just really need some answers! I feel like I'm not doing great homeschooling because my firstborn is supposed to be going into grade 3, but it seems like she's at more of a grade 1-2 level in her reading and writing skills. I am frustrated with the lying and stealing we've had to deal with (are we bad parents?). I feel like my house is never clean. I also feel like I spend way more time managing my children - ie. "do this, do that"; "don't touch"; "I said 'no' "; and I want to spend more time enjoying them and loving them and connecting with them.
As cheesy as it may be, something popped into my head that probably has been done before by another parent somewhere, but here goes:
If I teach my children right from wrong, and tell them to mind their manners, and respect their elders, but have not love, I am nothing but a clanging gong or cymbal.
If I homeschool with all the best curriculum, have my children trained to do all their chores, and pick up after themselves, but have not love, I'm no better than a yowling cat at 3 am.
If I feed my children organically, plant a garden with them and dress them in designer clothes, but have not love.... I've missed the point entirely.
Later, I felt the Holy Spirit pop another idea into my head while I roamed the aisles of the library, searching for books to inspire my begrudging little reader. Why can't I celebrate my daughter for who she is, and the accomplishments as they come to her, rather than measuring each step in accordance to what she "should" be doing. If I am continually thinking that she is not doing good enough, not at the level she should be, not like my friend's kids, etc, then I am continually going to look down on her in my mind and not give her the encouragement she needs. Ideally, I should be excited with each step, and encourage her just for who she is. I want to be excited with her for reading the word "school" even though I wish she was reading the word "physiologist".
I find it ironic that God has made my firstborn in a way that I find so difficult to understand, that relating to her is a challenge... But it is all in His plan. He didn't intend for me to find parenting a breeze, He planned for me to need His help all along the way.
So I'm really finding myself on a quest to love my kids just the way they are. I don't need to do much else with them - none of that matters if they don't feel incredibly loved. I want them to grow up and look back on their childhood and have them say "Hmmm... maybe the house wasn't perfectly clean all the time... but Mom sure loved us. She was always hugging us and spending time with us!"
That's all I need for a legacy. That's all I need to pass on to the next generation.
Love.
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