Sunday, February 15, 2009

Chaos

Today I wrote some random almost "the Message" style poetry...

Feels like...
A whirling, swirling non-stop merry-go-round.
Tornado tumbling by, tossing trash at me.
Hideous, high-pitched hyenas heckling me.

So much noise, confusion, change but no change.

Inside I'm sad and somber. Silently serious.

Outside I cope. Work through another day.

Wonder what normal is, what normal does?

But I'm not hopeless, in mishap and despair.
And the weight I carry isn't mine to bear.

Still have to learn to let go.
Not very good at giving up.

I lift my eyes to the star studded skies, walking on a snow-blanket prairie that ripples as far as my eye can see. Where does my help come from?

Help comes from the master-mind, universe-creator Who sees-all, knows-all, loves-all.

Apparently I'm in good hands...

Thursday, January 29, 2009

And then there were 8...

So now we have a huge passenger van and 6 kids to fill it up!

In the flurry of a week, we've now gained another child in the form of our nephew. He will be staying with us for the next year... at least that is what we said we would start with.

Everything happened so fast, I've hardly had time to react. We got the call last Tuesday morning that my sister-in-law was having lots of trouble with her son again, and that something needed to change ASAP! There has been talk in the past about us taking care of him, but I had always felt a bit resistant to the idea. I was willing, but I also felt like I didn't want us to step in and say "Hand him over... We can do a much better job than you!"

I still don't really know what to think. So far things are going well. The kids love having their cousin to play with, and even homeschooling an extra child this morning worked just fine.

I'm a little scared to take care of someone else's child. I worry that he won't feel loved enough by me - I'm working on being more affectionate and affirming to my kids, and now I have another one to love!!! AHHHH!

I worry that he won't like me! Of course he is going to want his mom more than he wants me, but I want to build a relationship with him and that is going to be hard work. I'm not naturally outgoing and affectionate...

I also hope I don't screw up with the homeschooling! It's okay for me to be alternative with my own children, but someone else's kid. It sure is a lot of responsibility.

Okay... why am I getting into this!!??

I guess what I need to focus on is that this is about ministering love to others... giving even when it is uncomfortable for me. And if I can't do it for my own family???

Well this will be a journey, that's for sure. I now have more kids than any of my friends.

Help, God!!!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Through the Looking Glass

I go through a lot of days where I struggle with me and I really don't like me. This time though, I felt inspired to write the same story with two different perspectives. I know there are many days where it is so easy to look at the negatives, and then become glum and grouchy. Yet, just changing perspective to the good things, the positive side, can make the same situation seem entirely different. This is something I need to work on more...

*********************************************************************************

I wake up, tired... not really motivated enough to do the things I want to do. Then I lay in bed with the pillow over my head, trying to catch a bit more sleep.
Eventually the clock leers at me and I feel the guilt of staying in bed way to long.

I groggily sip my morning coffee, stumbling over small children who wander over and attach themselves to my leg.

"Get your breakfast" and then when there are the usual grumblings and repeated questions about what's for breakfast: "YESSSS..." I hiss, "we are eating cereal again!"

Eventually, I wander over to the dining room table, the centre of activity for our family. I crack the Bible open and read our devotions for that day, not without half a dozen interruptions and the complaint that I should be reading out of a different Bible because it's that kid's turn.

After assigning various duties to my school-aged children, and getting out the playdough, cookie cutters and rolling pin for the younger ones, it's usually time to change the baby and put him down for a nap.

Off to get dressed... I can't spend the whole day in my pj's. I stand in front of my dresser and pull out a favorite shirt to wear with my jeans. The shirt is pulled over my head and I feel like I should hold my breath, suck in... it's a little tighter than I wish, but I am going to lose that babyfat... just give me a couple more months! Then I see that my jeans are nowhere to be found - they must be in the laundry basket, waiting to be washed. So I'm stuck wearing my ugly, ill-fitting jeans that are too high waisted and make me feel even more roly-poly. But my favorite t-shirt just doesn't look right with these jeans, so back in the drawer it gos and I'm stuck wearing a different shirt which I'll just cover up anyway with my black hoodie.

I pass by the mirror and notice the wrinkles that seem to be multiplying every few weeks... Suck in, take a deep breath... time to get on with my day.

Is this for real???

Mornings come early when you have to nurse a baby in the middle of the night, but I usually awaken to the sweet sound of my preschooler singing to herself, and adding in an occasional (yet quite incessant) "Can I get up?!"

At least everyone has learned to stay in their beds and I'm not overrun be little people until I'm good and ready for them.

Many mornings, my husband is gracious enough to wake me with a morning cup of coffee - either a latte with flavoring of my choice or an Americano.

I lazily get out of bed, throw on some comfy track pants and begin my rounds of telling kids to get up, get dressed, and come to eat their breakfast.
Most mornings I have to remind them that they are having cereal AGAIN, but thankfully this is something they can get for themselves and I can get my bearings for the day. I'm not much of a morning person, you see...

The kids clamor for me to use their Bible for the devotions that day, and I take it as a good sign - they have an excitement and respect for the word of God, right?

Once the dishes are cleared and kids are occupied with some of their work for the day, I grab the playdough for my preschooler - thank goodness she is so easily occupied, and I then can take care of my baby and put him down for his first nap of the day. He's a cuddler and likes to snuggle right in to my neck while I rock him and sing. And such a good baby too... I'm so glad he is good about taking his naps during the day.

Then off to my room to get dressed.
I'm not so happy about my choices, and I feel like I could still lose a few more pounds since having my last baby, but hey... when you've had as many kids as I've had, I'm lucky that I don't have to wear elastic-waistband pants all the time! I look at my exercise bike hiding in the corner and promise myself that I'll jump on it this afternoon and get the blood pumping... At least I'm good and healthy.
Now to face the day.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

New Year...

Well I'd like to say that I have great plans for this New Year...but I really have no idea what life is going to look like 6 months from now. My husband finished a Master's degree in Finance last Summer, and we've been waiting for the right job offer ever since.

Strangely, although life has been quite a bit more uncertain than usual, we are growing more and more in our contentment. It seems as though this "dry time" has caused us to re-evaluate everything in our lives, and bring it down to the basics of what REALLY matters. Stuff like our marriage, our kids and relationships with those around us. It seems so easy to get caught up in the busyness of life and forget to check your heart and see if you are in a healthy state or not.

So this year, I'm working on a healthy heart... soft, open... ready to love others with God's love.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Mommy's Loud!


I made an interesting observation today. One that revealed some of my actions that I'd like to change... soon!

I am a mother of 5. My kids are loud, rambunctious and generally well behaved, but very energetic! My youngest is only 3 months old, but one of the cutest baby boys in the world, if you ask my opinion! He is a delight.

Anyway, when I was pregnant this last time, I was often quite grumpy and life felt pretty much out of control. I can't say I would get very many "nice Mommy points" if there was a contest out for that.

Well, you know how babies learn to recognize their mother's voice in the womb? It's amazing really, how they can tell when Mommy is talking to them from the time they are newborns! So here's what I alarmingly figured out today: I was yelling at one of my kids (again!) and I looked over at Benjamin, expecting him to be a little bit startled or concerned. But no! He had this huge grin on his face as he watched me yell my children into submission... as if he was thinking "That's my Mommy!"

Sigh...

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Heart of Worship

Something that is very important to me is that I teach my children to be worshipers. It is my hearts desire that they learn to sing, play instruments and freely worship God from a young age.

Last night, I had one of those precious moments with them. We were watching Jason Upton's worship song, "Fly", where he was singing and an angel began to sing along with him and it was picked up on his microphone. I was telling the kids about angels and then Ethan and Sabrina began to improvise and play along (Ethan on guitar, Sabrina on violin) in worship with the song. Ellie was dancing around, singing "God is the best God and I love Him", etc. It was really beautiful... Then out of the blue, Jamie-Lynn, who is not quite 2 1/2, looked at me and said "Mommy, I belong to Jesus". It was amazing! I haven't talked to her along these lines so I know it was something revealed to her by the spirit.

Matthew 21:16 speaks of how children will see things and know things by the spirit: 15 But when the chief priests and scribes saw the wonderful things that He did, and the children crying out in the temple and saying, "Hosanna to the Son of David!" they were indignant 16 and said to Him, "Do You hear what these are saying?" And Jesus said to them, "Yes. Have you never read, 'Out of the mouth of babes and nursing infants You have perfected praise'?"

Praise God! He is moving in my family and moving in my heart...

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Email about 1 Timothy 2

I recently had a male friend email me about my interpretation of some scriptures about women. I thought it made pretty good blog material, and I think I may do some further study along these lines in the future.

The scripture in question is 1 Timothy 2:9 - 15
The question, how does this apply to the modern woman?

First off, the Message version is pretty interesting:

9 And I want women to get in there with the men in humility before God, not primping before a mirror or chasing the latest fashions 10 but doing something beautiful for God and becoming beautiful doing it. 11 I don't let women take over and tell the men what to do. 12 They should study to be quiet and obedient along with everyone else. 13 Adam was made first, then Eve; 14 woman was deceived first - our pioneer in sin! - with Adam right on her heels. 15 On the other hand, her childbearing brought about salvation, reversing Eve. But this salvation only comes to those who continue in faith, love, and holiness, gathering it all into maturity. You can depend on this.



From what I remember, much of the epistles were written to specific situations within the churches to which they were sent. I have heard (and I’m sorry but I haven’t looked it up) that there was an issue with domineering women in this church.



It would be easy to toss this verse out and say… that’s just what was happening in that culture. However, scripture also says:

But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman [is] the man; and the head of Christ [is] God.
I Corinthians 11:3

For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Ephesians 5:23

God obviously has ordained an order of authority in the family.



Conversely, He doesn’t mean for men to be domineering and controlling over their wives. Men are to love their wives as Christ loves the church. Men are to cherish their wives as they would take care of their own bodies.



Ephesians 5

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body, F15 of His flesh and of His bones. 31 "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." F16 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.



Ultimately, responsibility for the family’s spiritual outcome and overall wellbeing does rest on the man. However that doesn’t invalidate the woman in her ability to hear from God and sense the leading of the Holy Spirit. In a marriage where the couple is in submission to both God and each other, they can both be involved in the direction and spiritual flow of the family. Dan and I rely on each other to sense what is going on for our family and decisions we need to make… I feel an equal partner in this and he respects me. However, ultimately, if we can’t figure out what to do, the decision rests on him and I am submitted to that.



As far as the “women will be saved in childbearing” – I have heard various things and studied out various ideas. The saved is “sozo”… not the eternal salvation word, but referring to “safety, preservation, healing, wholeness, and soundness” It could be referring to protection and soundness during childbirth, because up until that point, women could be looking at the scripture of being cursed: Gen 3: 16 To the woman He said: "I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; In pain you shall bring forth children; Your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you."

That does kind of go along with the whole passage about the husband being first, etc.



The aspect of beauty and looking beautiful is an easy one for me at this point. A few years ago, I really felt directed by the Holy Spirit to take a look at how I was dressing. It’s not like I thought I was dressing provocatively and I needed to wear long dresses and cover my head! But I did feel that I could dress in a way that was slightly more modest, but still be attractive. Having little girls (and a practically pre-teen girl) makes all the difference to me as well. Knowing that they watch me continually and are learning from the way I act and dress – and they are forming their opinions about how they will relate to the opposite sex from me, makes me really consider what I wear. Actually, I’ve found in many ways that children are great barometers for your actions. You consider how it would affect your child, and you quickly determine how you should or shouldn’t act!



What is the role of a woman? What a loaded question. While I don’t like to voice my opinions and I won’t push them onto anyone, I think my actions do speak for themselves. (Not to say that I am always doing the right thing!)



I’ve studied long and hard the passages about having kids vs. the opinion that a woman defined by whether or not she has babies. I feel strongly that we are given the mandate to procreate. God has many reasons for this. The home is probably the most effective place to raise disciples. Children are blessings. Never is there a passage where God says otherwise. Most importantly, I think God gives us children so that we can learn from them.

Matthew 18:1-6

1 At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, "Who then is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?" 2 Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them, 3 and said, "Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5 Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me. 6 "But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea.



Everyday I have the opportunity to have my character molded, and my life blessed by having children in my home. We have lots of kids, because we believe it is part of God’s plan. Psalm 127 3 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward. 4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one's youth. 5 Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; They shall not be ashamed, But shall speak with their enemies in the gate.

The great thing is, in that time, a quiver usually meant 5 arrows (ha ha) so we’ve done our duty! Just kidding…. Stopping now is more of a logistical thing – where to put them, etc. And feeling like I need to focus on the ones I have, rather than keep having more!



I also feel pretty strongly about being home to raise my kids. I don’t believe that we should send our children out into the world “to be a witness” as is the argument. We have a job to train them, teach them and protect them, and then, when they have grown, they will be capable of holding their own in the world. Why would I put them under a teacher, designate them as the “authority” and then have to undermine many things that that teacher says to my kid because it doesn’t line up with our Christian beliefs? Anyway, that is a whole other can of worms that I could write about for a while.



I have heard that many women feel useless by just staying home, changing diapers, etc. However, it all depends how you look at it. As the old proverb says “The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world”, it is entirely in my hands how these kids turn out. They are reflections of me, and so I hope they become reflections of Christ as I try to be more Christ like.



I’ve also read surveys that show that women aren’t necessarily happy working outside the home. The vocal minority may be monopolizing the press time and screaming out “rights for women! We don’t have to stay home all the time!” but in fact, there was a survey that most working moms would rather be with their children, and are only at work because they feel they have to. Here’s another example of a survey showing how most women would rather work part-time:



The Pew Research Center survey, being released Thursday, found that only 21 percent of working mothers with children under 18 viewed full-time work as the best arrangement, down from 32 percent in 1997. http://news.moneycentral.msn.com/provider/providerarticle.aspx?feed=AP&Date=20070712&ID=7156383



I feel like I’m jabbering on and on… and that I’m a little bit scattered here! But these are some of the ideas in my mind.



I feel complete, capable, smart…. I don’t think that by staying at home my abilities are wasting away (or being wasted on my kids). I don’t think my intelligence is a waste because being a mother of five, and homeschooling them requires a lot of intelligence and creativity! Sure I feel like I have Mommy-brain (and Mommy-body right after having a baby!) but I look at what I have: an amazing husband, wonderful children, a blessed life that could only be from God… Wow! He has taken me so far from the disturbed, depressed teen that I used to be. Praise God!