The Pedestal

Once in a while, I find myself basking in the glow of a compliment, often related to being "super-woman" or something ridiculous like that.  Like any attention-obsessive woman, the words will roll back and forth though my head for the next few hours or days until they are blotted out by some self-incriminating judgement which I pronounce upon myself.

So is it wrong to aspire to perfection - or, near-perfection?  Because I know I'll never look perfect with my stretchmarks and newly found grey-silvery hairs, but at least I can work on my behavior and try to become as "perfect" as I can...  Is there a problem with trying to be the "best" mom and wife that I can be?

I try to be all that I can to my children.  I give them the opportunities I never had, and I try to make sure they are well-dressed (while maintaining budget-friendly standards) and I spend time with them, doing all sorts of fun, family-friendly activities.  I try to be a kind and patient mom, and even though I get angry far too often, I think I usually am doing a decent job as I attempt to connect to my kids and remain attentive to their sensitive, impressionable hearts.

I do my best to be a great wife which involves not talking about diapers and baby-barf all the time, and occasionally dressing up.  Which leads me to the fact that I try to be an interesting wife... so I do my best to keep up to speed with my husband's voracious appetite for knowledge of current events, finances and the latest theological debate.  I know he doesn't want a wife who will just smile brightly with a vacant stare in her eyes and say: "That's nice, dear!" (having no understanding of what was just said!).

Then there are the "spiritual" hoops which I attempt to jump though, often guiltily, being dictated by what I feel I "should" be doing, not necessary out of love and relationship to my God.  But I work at it, and I struggle - trying to read my Bible and journal and pray... and it keeps me going, and I have another check-mark on my list of requirements to be a good person - a good wife, mother and leader.

Is this what I am, though?  All this stuff I do is easily shattered by a bad day.  I loose my temper and freak out one too many times - or worse yet, I wake up feeling depressed, weary and uninspired, making the entire day something I just have to "get though" and I miss out experiencing the vivacious, joy-filled relationship my family represents.

We try to be super-mommas and we fail.  We try to be Martha Stewart and the stock boils over, the garden doesn't produce and our decoupage looks like the art of a 3 year old.  We try to be champions of spirituality: ready, and equipped with all the right answers but sometimes we just have to say "I don't understand".  We can attempt to be an exceptional lover - always encouraging, always attractive and always able to get that spark going - but some days the words are few and tense, there's too much dirty laundry and you're barely coping with the utter exhaustion to do much more than mumble "G'night" after circumventing another day of near-financial, relational and general household ruin.

Life gets to us.  Yet still we strive.  We hold up a pedestal, and scramble to stay perched upon it's lofty height.  Why?

I don't think it is wrong to have goals.  I don't think it is wrong to want your home, your kids and your self to look nice.  The wrong comes from misguided priorities; setting your eyes and focus upon an illustrious image.

Some days, you just need a swift kick in the head to keep from obsessing about minor issues - like insisting that all of the tangles are combed out of your child's hair before stepping outside the door, and not inviting people into your home (offering the gift of friendship and hospitality) because you are embarrassed about the finger-smudged walls, crumbs under the table and your threadbare, cheap furniture.  Because once you uphold your appearance and behavior higher than the act of loving others, and even in a sense loving yourself, you've strayed into dangerous territory.

Lady, it's time to get off the pedestal...

Sometimes I try really hard, and hold myself to far too great a standard because I just don't really love and accept myself.  I'm not even really talking about a self-esteem issue, though.  I don't believe that we should run around, saying "I'm okay, you're okay, let's just accept our issues because everyone is SPECIAL.."  Yuck... blech!  On the contrary, I know that I HAVE ISSUES.  I screw up.  I'm selfish like the rest of society and I let people down.  Rather than acceptance based on behavior or acceptance based on just being "human", I know that I need to seek a far more eternal, profound anchor.  My anchor and hope rests solely in God's love and acceptance of me.  He loves me.  Rather than a pedestal, I need an anchor.  I need something that will tether me to earth, give me roots, allow me to accept my feet of clay.  I can't be all, do all, and look like "all that", all the time!

I have noticed that the true barometer of my actions, and whether I am striving or not, is seen primarily in my happiness and contentment.

If I decide to bake 5 dozen cookies and play in the leaves with the kids, followed by cooking up a gourmet meal and wearing heels and lipstick, and I can do this with joy - not with stress and striving, then it's okay!  When I am over-extending, straining and torturing myself to uphold a certain ideal or image - it's wrong!

So what knowledge have I acquired though this dialogue?

I started out, driving down the road, alone in my dark-green, messy mini-van, pondering my propensity to try to be "perfect".   I shouldn't try to be a certain way to impress others or even to impress myself.  I'm certain that I will continually teeter-totter between right motivation and wrong motivation, but I know well enough to sincerely check my heart and consider whether I am doing things for the right reason.  I know I can't live on top of a pedestal.  I can't set my heart and happiness on a superficial image of who I wish I could be - because I will continually let myself down.

I wish I could end this posting with some magical phrase that neatly wraps up the point I am trying to make.  Unfortunately, this is far too abstract to be whittled down to one sentence.  Heart issues are complicated.  What I will say though is this:  I'm okay with not being perfect.  I know that my worth and merit is not based on all that I do.  However, I will still do my best in all areas of life.  It's not wrong to challenge yourself and work hard - but it is important to be cautious about idolizing a certain image or ideal.

"Super-Momma" is not exactly the right term for me - I'm more of a "Super (but not perfect) Momma".

Keeping Up Appearances

I screwed up.  I just caught myself in the middle of a lecture trying to pressure my child to change his behavior, using motivation that I have to admit was fundamentally wrong.  It's scary, really, how we can shape a child's perception of themselves and the world around them with just a few words.

Let me rewind... This is the second day of VBS (Vacation Bible School) for my kids this summer - and I have to admit, I've been quite giddy with the opportunity to drop my children off at the doorstep of a neighborhood church where they can spend the morning happily playing games, singing songs, and learning about Jesus.  (They even give them a snack!)  VBS was a part of my childhood, and I well remember the exciting mornings of music, games, drama and crafts... a pleasant distraction from the lull of summer!  So I was eagerly anticipating this first week in August which would provide me with my own mini-vacation - a rare chance to have a week of mornings to myself (once my youngest is down for his nap).  As a homeschooling mom, I am almost never alone, and I'm not complaining, but I sure do appreciate VBS week!!!!

This morning I promptly arrived at the church, signed in my children and let the elementary-aged children race off, while I walked the preschool kids to their classroom.  Within minutes, I was freed (temporarily) of my kids, and walked with happy, lightened steps to my van.  Suddenly, I heard my eldest child's voice calling to me, to tell me that her brother was fooling around and trying to run away from his teacher.  My nostrils flared and my eyes bugged out a little.  All I ask is a quiet couple of hours... is it too much to ask for???  I fumed silently.

The skip in my step deflated to a businesslike stomp as I charged into the building, adorned with the "you-better-shape-up-or-else" expression on my face.  The defendant was sitting guiltily on a chair on the side of the room, seemingly confined to a time-out.

Quickly, methodically and expertly I cross-examined him, finding that indeed his behavior was erroneous.  Then began the manipulative 'mother-speak' in which I chided him to consider the following:  "What will people think of you when you act like a 'crazy' kid?"

To be brutally honest, I was thinking more along the lines of: What will people think of us, the parents?  Because like it or not, my kids' behavior creates an impression and reflects on my parenting abilities.  Not only that, but my kids have the habit of dropping the line: "I'm a pastor's kid..." as if it is an exclusive V.I.P. pass that will get them special treatment.  (Apparently they haven't come to the same revelation that I have regarding titles... the title we hold is far more about responsibility than it is about privilege!)

It was in the middle of this rant about what others would think of him, when I felt conviction prick my heart and I hearkened to the ominous warning I felt in my gut.  Suddenly I heard what I was saying; heard how I was trying to motivate my child and pressure him on the basis of appearances, not what really matters.  Basically, I was trying to motivate my kid with a form of peer-pressure and fitting in, with concern solely focused on the expectations of those he "should" try to impress.

I can remember growing up with an immense respect for my father and his status in our community, church and his workplace.  He was (and still is) a man who people knew to be honest and a hard worker.  He was dependable.  And he had good kids.  That was part of the package.  I didn't want to soil his reputation.  I liked the kind of man my father was, and I liked that people esteemed him.  However, there is a downside to all of this.  When appearances become the icon of success, it is possible for the heart to be ignored and neglected.

How then, do I motivate my children to obey?  How do I encourage good behavior; respectable, likable behavior?  It comes back to the issue of the moral fabric I weave into my family and the simple truth that Jesus used in response to the Pharisees when they tried to stump him by asking their hard-hearted, legalistic question - What is the most important commandment?  Jesus said: "Love the Lord your God...and love your neighbor as yourself."

This is not an issue of "acting good" so that people will think well of my child and subsequently think well of me.  If all that matters is "fitting in", then what about when negative peer pressure comes down the path?  Will my child care more about what his friends think about him than about doing the right thing?   I want my children to learn to think with their hearts, drawing their motivation from what they know in their heart is the right thing to do.  What really matters today is that my kid was being a pain in the butt to his teacher, and that was both unkind and selfish.  I changed my whole lecturing process in that instant of revelation, and asked my son:  "Are you being kind to your teacher by being a crazy kid?"

With that question, I'm hoping that my son was able to put himself in his leader's shoes.  Suddenly it was about caring for someone else - it was about showing love and respect.  Having dealt with the underlying motive, I asked my son what he should "do about it" and how he should make things right.  He admitted that he should apologize and sat quietly for a few moments before remorsefully walking over to his teacher and saying "sorry".  In that moment, I knew a lesson was learned.  It wasn't easy for him to walk over and "make things right" with the cool, teenage guy who was his leader.  I could tell that he looked up to him, and that admitting he was wrong was a humbling act.  Yet, I felt it was entirely necessary.

The real problem was my son's selfish behavior, and trying to curb my child's actions on the basis of appearance would only justify further selfishness.  Simply being concerned about "my appearance, my reputation and my standing" shows a firm grasp on what matters the most: ME!  With the focus turned outward onto how the behavior affected his leader, the emphasis was placed on the value of consideration and kindness.

It's not always easy to determine how to best teach and motivate our kids.  More often than not, we just want to make the bad behavior stop and will use whatever means necessary.  Repetition, bribing, threatening and lecturing are common tools in a parent's behavior modification strategy, and I'll be the first to admit that I don't always do the right thing regarding kids.  My initial response is usually based out of a sense of urgency - I just want it to stop!  My perspective, however, should be the long-term and should consider the state of my child's heart; equipping them with character and a healthy attitude.

There was a surprise for me when I returned to pick up my kids at lunchtime.  I went to sign out my son, and one of his teachers said to him "Are you going to tell your mom everything you did today?"

He looked up, startled and definitely worried and said slowly "What do you mean?"

She smiled, a look of puzzlement on her face and exclaimed: "Tell her how you were sharing!"

A look of relief crossed over my son's face and he shrugged his shoulders, "I was helping in class, and giving out the crafts..."

My concern immediately lifted, and my heart was overjoyed to know that my child was doing what mattered - he was being kind and loving to others; he was putting others first!  "That's great!"  I told him sincerely, with a smile on my face.  "It sounds like you were being very kind."

It's amazing how over the course of a couple hours we came full circle... Life's lessons seem to move in fast-forward when it comes to our kids.   I'm so thankful for my children's tender, teachable hearts and the joy that they bring to me as a parent.  I'm also thankful for how much they teach me, and I know I'll be more aware of what motivates me when I relate to others.  It's not about keeping up appearances.  It's what's inside that counts - it's all about relationship and what comes from the heart.